An honest reflection on overcoming financial failures, social anxiety as an immigrant parent, and finding hope through passion and meditation.

“Ever felt like everyone else has the secret manual to life and you are still stuck on page one?”

5 Min Read

I’ve been reflecting on a heavy feeling that has lingered for years. I don’t have a name for it yet, but it feels like a weight that keeps getting heavier. It started around my 39th birthday, just before the world changed. While I watched high school friends travel the world and build successful businesses, I felt stuck, drowning in debt and struggling to keep up with a world that seemed to move much faster than I could.

For a long time, I blamed my circumstances—my husband. I pushed him to be more, nagged him more about his spending habits, and critiqued every little thing he did, but my frustration only led to a cycle of hopelessness. Over time, I’ve come to accept our reality and appreciate the man he is. My husband is a wonderful father who takes incredible care of our family in way he can with lots of love to give.

The Struggle for Focus

Even with a stable job as an analyst, my mind remained chaotic as I chased financial freedom through failed ventures in Amazon sales, content creation, and UGC. I eventually realized the failure wasn’t in the business models; it was my own struggle with focus. Balancing an 8-to-5 job with three active children leaves little room for the 3 a.m. wake-up calls I desperately try to turn into a habit.

As my children grow, the pressure of motherhood shifts. Between softball seasons and baseball games, my schedule is a whirlwind of playdates and practices. It is in these moments—surrounded by people—that I often feel most alone.

The Foreigner Within

I struggle to connect with other parents. As a Filipino immigrant in the USA, I often feel like a foreigner who can’t quite catch the rhythm of the social atmosphere. Parents around me talk for hours about baseball rules I don’t understand, while I grew up playing volleyball. I overthink every sentence before I speak, fearing I will be misunderstood or that my accent will create a barrier.

I see my eldest son struggling with a similar social disengagement, and I catch myself pushing him to be outgoing—signing him up for classes and volunteer work—before realizing I am trying to fix in him what I feel is lacking in myself. Why am I forcing us to fit into a mold that wasn’t made for us?

Seeking Abundance

Lately, I’ve turned toward meditation and sewing to find my center. I am exploring how to improve my aura and attract abundance because I truly believe in the power within us. Perhaps my tribe isn’t meant to be found at the baseball field; maybe it is waiting in the quiet community of makers and dreamers where I can finally turn my passion for sewing into a creative career.

This is my everyday battle, but I am learning to be thankful for the path I am on. If you have ever felt like an outsider in your own life or wondered why you can’t seem to catch up, I want you to know that I am right there with you.

I will keep journaling, keep seeking, and keep hoping. We may not have found our tribe yet, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. You are not alone.